Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught…
A child not suffering from Parental Alienation will readily forgive even an abusive parent, given a supportive environment. The absolute rejection of a parent is not indicative of child abuse.
If you are a targeted parent in a Parental Alienation drama and your child rejects you unjustly, you should be very careful in instructing your own family members and friends on how to behave wisely before they act at all.
Parental Alienation (PA) has numerous signs, chief of which begins with a question: “Why should children who were initially close to both parents suddenly seek to reject one of them?”. In short: Parental Alienation IS child abuse and emotional abuse.
It is known, that children who have been alienated (brainwashed) often express the same hostility as the custodial parent:
- they identify with and imitate the alienator;
- they do not wish to visit or spend time with the absent and alienated parent;
- the child’s views of rejecting the absent parent are virtually identical with the programming of the custodial parent;
- such children feel themselves to be powerful due to their alliance with the controlling and powerful alienator;
- they are not frightened (albeit they claim to be) by the absent parent or the court;
- the children have no valid reasons for rejecting the alienated parent, but will often manufacture these reasons or exaggerate events
- they can see nothing positive or good about the absent parent and even the absent parent’s family
- they appear not to feel any sense of guilt about the way they treat the absent parent;
- they appear to be ‘normal’, yet appear also no longer to have a mind of their own being totally obsessed with the custodial parent and his implacable hostility towards the absent parent and frequently his/her extended family. These reactions are both pathological and unfair towards the targeted parent
There are many good articles and sites on Parental Alienation and I don’t intend to repeat here what already is written about either conscious actions or subconscious motifs of the alienating parents. What is rather poorly illuminated, but is very important to be aware of are the contributions from so-called surrogate alienators. Surrogate alienators can be close family members, uncles, aunts, cousins etc and particularly friends. By supporting the alienator when it becomes clear to them just what is going on they are in fact supporting alienation. But the trouble is - they might not be aware of it!
I have a message to the alienated (targeted) parents, based on my own experience. The tendency among the surrogate alienators (SA) is that they would try to maintain contact with your child, who is being alienated from you. Many of them would do it without telling you anything. Some of them would tell you (when confronted), that they have a plan – and you would be inclined to believe it. Well, don’t! Just because the SAs do not have necessary insight in Parental Alienation dynamics, they think, they know better, but often they do more harm to your case than good. One must remember at all times, that alienators are often very skilled in manipulating not only the children, but everybody else in believing, that it is the child’s own wish to reject you. And the sad truth is that even members of your own family or your once close friends will soon start to believe it – even if they don’t admit it to you.
Some of them would feel like they must do something for the child (as they claim), but essentially those spontaneous actions directly or indirectly support the alienation. How come?
Well, firstly I can assure you, that almost every SA will try to avoid touching the very hot “Why?” topic while in contact with your child. We all want to be good at least in our own eyes, and your sister or your friend is no exception. Therefore watch out, if and when they approach your brainwashed child with suggestions to spend time together. For everybody (or almost everybody) around you such an action would look like a natural or even noble attempt to maintain close bonds with the child. Yes, for everybody, BUT the child herself.
And this is very important to understand: children read their intentions differently. For them the message is: “I support you, wright or wrong, it’s OK to be unfair”. Alienated children feel great power after delivering programmed lies about the targeted parent. They know that they can get away with this. They get an intoxicating feeling of control, it is THEM who decide. What they also learn all too well during the alienation is the remarkable ability to come up with the expected answers. They become very skilled in figuring out what reaction is anticipated of them and deliver it without any delay or hesitation. Along with alienators SAs thus teach them that moral and truth are just a casualty. Here are examples of such messaging:
- One of my own family members (a SA in this case), for instance, was happy to announce, that just after a short stay with her the child allegedly changed her mind and expressed a wish to see the “guilty” alienated mother (me). What this family member didn’t consider at all, was the simple fact, that the child just delivered an anticipated answer at the right time to cut an unpleasant interview short. And thus the child was in control once again!
- Another family member met my child on his own initiative, yielding to the child’s demand: mother was not to be involved! This family member even came up with a quite substantial gift for the child, thinking little of the message behind such a gesture. It can only be perceived as a reward (or even a bribe) by the child.
- One of my former female friends claims to keep in touch with my child and obviously is quite content to mention this once in a while. She also claims that she has a plan. The trouble is that the alienated child doesn’t know anything about such a plan. The child only sees what it wants to see – her mother’s own friend is amicable and tolerant towards the alienator (father, custodial parent) And what does such a friendly SA do? She asks the child straight: “Are you going to contact your mother soon?” Well, one does not have to be a psychiatrist to figure out the child’s answer. Indeed, the child says “yes, I am”. And then what? Nothing, right. It just goes on and on – polite lies. Nobody demands actions or confrontation. Why would the child want to initiate it?
Now, what is common in these episodes?
- All SAs employ the same erroneous approach (which is the easiest path to take): they keep silent about the origin and nature of the alienation; at best they merely listen to the brainwashed child without even attempting to question fairness of such juvenile justice. And the indoctrinated kid is all too ready to deliver a convenient for the moment answer or even impose a demand.
- They all give an alienated child something (a talk, a gift, a trip) without asking for anything in return. Anything, that could lead a child to take a step away from the path lain by the alienator.
I am sure your friends and family members mean well, but they often tend to take children’s words at face value. Many of them believe that children will grow up and understand themselves. But this is not the case with severe PA. Unfortunately, the psychological and emotional damage to kids is permanent and irreversible.
So, what is it those good Samaritans do not realize? Essentially, they are all being passive and thus transferring control back to the smart (and now empowered) child. But they should know better than this. In fact, all kids desperately need to know that the adults are in control. It's never too late to step up and take the reigns. And who has control in reality? The custodial parent, the alienator, of course. So, they are just back to square one, supporting the alienation.
Just my point. Unfortunately...
Useful links:
General info on PA
In-depth psychological view of PA
P.S. "Unconditional love is sincere and honest. It looks at the best of a person and encourages that individual to step forth. Then, it stands back, allowing that individual to choose for him or herself. There simply is no room for smallness or self-centeredness with unconditional love"
The Myths of Unconditional Love